Now that I’m officially ‘thirty something’ I enjoy hearing and reading the opinions of many women (especially younger) on what I shoud no longer be wearing and where I should no longer be shopping. A month in to being 33, I find it hysterical. So here is a satirical list of sound sartorial habits after 30.
1. Adjust your hemline, mini skirts can make a woman in her 30’s look like she’s chasing her youth.
2. Avoid bold accessories, especially brightly colored ones, grabbing people’s attention with clothing is a young woman’s game.
3. After 30, one should only purchase investment pieces instead of fast trends. $10 sunglasses from the back of an H&M need not apply.
4. Sport at least one designer item at all times, even if you have to max out your credit card. How else will you be taken seriously by other women?
5. Dress to impress only other women and gay men. Who cares if you feel sexy in tighter clothing or skinny jeans. It’s not chic to dress sexy after 30. Especially if you are married or are a mother.
6. At work, trade your flats for heels, especially if the bottoms are red. It is the only way to assert your power and maturity. Pack some bandaids, you’re a big girl.
7. Progressive designers are for cool girls in their 20’s. If a woman over 30 wears a designer bag that no one recognizes, is she even relevant? On that note, when selecting any designer item, the more logos the better, so everyone knows that you’re wearing something expensive.
8. Pick a staple wardrobe and do not deviate. Trends are for young women that don’t have enough money to invest in quality pieces.
9. Cut back on the leather clothing. Unless you’re in a motorcycle gang, wearing too much leather can seem like you’re trying too hard. Trade your moto jacket for a tailored leather trim blazer instead, much more age appropriate.
10. Abort mission when it comes to sheer or mesh tops. Again dressing overtly sexy is for the young and you’re old.
*Editor’s note: After 30, embrace humor in all forms and wear whatever the fuck you want, when you want!